Cheeses of the world… Unite
The following list is one that showcases some of the more interesting cheeses from around the world. Some of them good… others not so much. But one thing that we can all agree on is that it’s well past time for the cheeses of the world to unite;
1. “Grandma’s Gas-to-Mouth Gorgonzola” … Cheese (Italy)
As good as it sounds, this fromage has the special flavour from down under. Australia is a known ingredients source for this cheese, particularly the rare kangaroo juice needed to make this cheese really “hop”. I can do this all day, folks. I’m going to do it all day, whether you like it or not. Whether they pay me or not. All day B. For this is truly fun for a sick individual such as me. I hope you enjoy it too, though. Otherwise, I feel I must remind you…
2. “Swiss, Please. Dis My Hood” … Cheese (Switzerland)
Get it? “Hood”? That’s a dairy company that makes cheese. And that is a gangster telling you to “step off” of his slices. Funny. Whatever. Who are you, some type of big shot? Like…
3. “American Machismo”, aka “Big Man Beefy Man” … Cheese (USA)
This cheese is Big. More than most cheeses even. Bigger than Jesus even. Larger than Steven’s Heavin’ – the first one-stop store for all your “tossing” needs. Trash, recycling, unwanted items like relatives… anything you want to have tossed out… we do it at Steven’s Heavin’. Route 34, off of your mother’s 401 backdoor highway.
4. “French Camembert de Camel Toe” … Cheese (France)
Uhmmm. That does sound good. This cheese is produced in a tight space. It is supposedly very difficult to get at, and it can require several boring social meetings or “dates”, in order to obtain it. Some men don’t eat the cheese, sadly. I feel bad mostly for the wife.
5. “Alison’s Tasty Brie” vs. “Stinky Brie Larson”… Cheese (France)
Allison is really proud of her extra special cheese. Sometimes this brand can be used as a little bit of “extra cheese on the taco”. Sounds delicious. Tasty indeed.
As for the second type of brie… everyone is really enjoying Brie Larson’s cheese, almost as much as her press junkets for Captain Marvel. What’s that? She caused the financial projections to go down by… a hundred million? Wait. You don’t think people are getting kind of sick of Hollywood “Force” feeding us too many female heroes and pointless all-female remakes instead of new original roles and ideas for women, do you?
No. That’s crazy talk. I personally am very excited for when Hollywood remakes The Godfather with an all-female cast.
“And I hope that their first child… will be a feminine child.”
-Lucinda Brazzi, thanking The Godmother for inviting her to his daughter’s (transgender lesbian) wedding.
Speaking of Italian cheese… would you like some…
6. “Parma Parma Parma Parma Chamel-e-ano, Reggiano” … (Italy)
This cheese’s androgyny is almost as famous as its ability to “jazz up” any pasta dish, usually by using “comping” technique with a lot of thirteenth and minor-eleventh chords. “It’s not just for salads anymore. You could even put it on a burrito!” – Melissa McCarthy as “Linda” on SNL, as a product tester for Hidden Valley Ranch and this cheese. Do you really want to hurt this cheese?
7. “Nobody Beats the Cheese Whiz” … (???)
Unless they have another, better… more natural cheese, of course. Then it’s pretty easily defeated. I’m not sure if this product actually qualifies as a “dairy product” rather than a “science experiment”. Looks good on a chili dog, though. Better than your mum, when she performs that nasty sex act… on a Tuesday… in broad daylight… and in front of seniors.
8. “Fonzi’s Ponzi Mozzarella Scheme Cheese” … (New York, USA)
The trick here is, you have to get someone else to buy the cheese first. Then tell the next buyer to get his friends to buy the cheese, and so on and so forth. Next thing you know… you’ll be drowning in this rich, creamy, how-did-you think-you’d get-away-with-this… cheese. This cheese is too good to be true. That’s how you should have known. Mama mia! Put a bounty on:
9. “Boba Feta Cheese” … (water planet of “Kimino”, in the Outer Rim)
This one will propel you into the stratosphere, like it’s got a rocket attached to it. Yes, gobble it up like a Tarlac monster whose starving for cheese in the hot Tatooine sun. It’s that fucking good, padawans! The way it just breaks apart so easily in the Tarlac’s belly. Simply delicioso.
10. “Irish Bland Lukewarm Cheddar Cheese” … (Ireland, Boston, i.e. places where Irish folk live)
This cheese can’t really make a meal. It’s also not very passionate in bed. It’s a “prudish” cheese, you could even go so far as to say. Created by the Puritans, on the island of Inis Beag, it is traditional to eat this cheese with one’s entire body covered up from head to toe in what was called a “Jesus Bag”. There is a small slit near the mouth to allow one to eat the cheese… as well as breathe… should they wish to continue doing that anymore. This cheese is said to be “lucky” though I’m not sure as to how or why. This cheese not only can fight, it wants to.
Want some more cheese? Of course, you do. “Everybody Wants Some”, as the famous church hymn goes. From the biblical history film Better Off Dead, I believe. Ah yes. Pack pig, indeed.
Maybe I believe. Like all of us, at times, I wonder about god and even want to ask: “where are you?” … “what are you?” … or as “New Yorker Greg” would put it:
11. “Gouda Hell Are You? Cheese” … (Netherlands)
Traditionally, this cheese is eaten right before Amsterdonians would head out in large bike groups searching for weak or lost feet to crunch with their bike wheels and then yell “jerker” at the victim just to throw salt into the wound. This cheese has methane particles and baked beans to help create the necessary kick starter fart, or “head stroop” as they call it, that will propel the bike group and its cheese at dangerous, seemingly unnatural speeds. Fast cheese.
12. “Strone-Tone Provolone Cheese” … (Long Island, NY; Boston, Ma)
This cheese is meant to be paired with the delicious musical stylings and scrumptious tones that only a “Strone” can provide. Like with this book, you should take “smoke breaks” and listen to Chris’s first, and then my music. Feel the Force rise up in you. Now that’s some good cheese, huh? The music is all part of the “party” that is Symphony of Sarcasm. I’ll put my brother’s music up against any album you want. He’s that good. Bring it. Speaking of parties…
13. “Aarti Party’s Farty Havarty Cheese” … (England, by way of India)
Invented by this cute Cooking Channel host by accident, this adorable creation will leave you feeling uplifted and happy. Filled with gooey warmth. The cheese ain’t bad, either. Super cute. Love her genuine warm smile. My wife and I both want to drink wine and cuddle with Aarti. Pinch her butt and have a few laughs… while her husband can finally go and do the dishes… for a nice overdue change.
For our next cheese, let’s bring it back to Brooklyn. The city that stole my heart and still has it.
14. “Jake La Motta Ricotta Cheese” … (Brooklyn; The Bronx, NY)
This cheese will hit you hard. Like a raging bull, some have even documented. What’s that, babe? You think… that other cheese is better looking than me? Wait… did you fuck that other cheese? Tell me right now! Which cheese did you fuck? I’ll bet it was that Big Man Beefy Man, wasn’t it? He won’t look so handsome after I get true with him!
Alright, last one guys, as fifteen is a good number of cheeses. For the record, and you probably don’t doubt it anymore at this point, I could keep going and going… and going… all the way into outer space. When we get there… we should be bold. Keep trying different cheeses… “until all of the cheeses have been spent”, Jynn Erso preached.
14. “Roquefort One: A Star Wars Cheese”
You probably saw this one coming. So, like this cheese, the Force must be strong with you. For this cheese will be with you… always. Seriously, it has a very strong aftertaste. One that you won’t be able to get rid of for decades. Also, and maybe it’s because of “nostalgia” for the original cheese series, this cheese will have many remakes and reconstructions over the years that seem to be just kind of… lacking. The cheese has become disappointing, especially the “prequel cheeses”, that we all agree were horribly constructed and almost unpalatable. Hard to swallow… the changes in this cheese…. are.