Reality, Pass it on…
This literally sounds like a job for… Reality Man!
Yes, for this first “altered” advert… we brought back an old friend from chapters past. Reality Man is that “alter ego” that is very convenient when we, here at Doops and Doops, Inc, want to state something as indisputable fact. These aren’t debates. Just the Truth.
In this commercial, Dark Yang employs Reality Man to help deliver a true but painful fact to a young millennial boy about his baseball prospects. For we are all told some day that we can no longer play the children’s game. Some of us should have been told sooner rather than later. Maybe they could have spent their time more judiciously, I think is Yang’s point here. See… the Sith believe that they are exactly like the Jedi in almost every way.
Little “Timmy” … is about to get what is called “a dose of reality” … from the best source I can think of. The man… the myth… the legend… The Truth.
EXT. BASEBAL FIELD – SMALL TOWN USA – DAY
A young boy, Timmy, is about to get pitched to by his father. He takes his batting stance. He adjusts his footing and his batting gloves and makes a mean competitive glare to his dad. He’s ready to mash.
TIMMY’S DAD
Are you ready, son?
TIMMY
I’m the greatest hitter in the world!
But little Timmy didn’t mash that day. His bat had sadly gone astray.
Pitch after pitch after pitch soared right by Timmy’s bat. It would appear that his claim as being the “greatest hitter” has gone flat. Luckily, we know someone who can do something about that. Quick. Quick. As fast as you can… send the giant “R” signal to call for Reality Man.
Back to the baseball “action”, little Timmy next tried his hand at some pitching. He’s dying to be a Big Leaguer; he’s just really itching. If only he had a dose of reality, his mind would be switching.
TIMMY
I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!
A little girl steps up to the plate to face Timmy as he throws. She proceeds to hit ball after ball after ball, out of the park… into the upper rows. Timmy’s dad compliments the boy, but he’s lying through his nose. Little Timmy isn’t going to make it to The Show, as everyone but he and his father… already knows.
Timmy throws a curveball that almost kills an old lady walking nearby the bleacher rows. She never even saw… the ball whizz right past her nose. But believe me… she came closer to death… than she will ever know.
Timmy throws another wild pitch. He decides to go out to center and try his hand at fielding.
Timmy’s dad starts hitting fly balls out to centerfield. Timmy is not catching them successfully. Still, he is unshaken in his confidence. He’s been getting “participation trophies” since he was very little. No one has ever told him that he wasn’t good enough or that he needed to “work” on his game in order to obtain a trophy. Timmy is a product of his generation. He is a “millennial” and he is rightfully fear-inducing. Clouded… the boy’s future is.
As Timmy continues to miss fly ball after fly ball…
LITTLE TIMMY
I’m the greatest fielder in the wor –
Timmy is interrupted by an appearance from none other than… Reality Man. Could it really be him? This is so exciting.
REALITY MAN
Wait. Stop it son. Reality Man… can take… no more.
LITTLE TIMMY
Gee whizz. Is that really you, Reality Man?
REALITY MAN
Yes, it is I, Reality Man.
Protector of truth. Freer of expectations. Breaker of chains, made by unattainable dreams.
LITTLE TIMMY
But my teachers and parents always tell me I can be anything I want to be.
REALITY MAN
Well that’s bull crap, Timmy. Hey, I wanted to be the point guard for the Boston Celtics.
LITTLE TIMMY
So… what happened.
REALITY MAN
What happened? Well…
I’m a six-foot tall white guy who can’t jump, Timmy. That’s what “happened”, as you put it.
TIMMY (LEARNING)
Oh. So… I guess it just wasn’t the right path for you, huh?
REALITY MAN
Precisely. By accepting my limitations… I learned that I was good at many other things.
ENLIGHTENED TIMMY
Yeah, I guess maybe baseball just isn’t my thing.
TIMMY’S DAD
Hey, what’s going on here? What are you telling my kid?
EXCITED TIMMY
Dad! Great news! I’m quitting baseball.
Maybe I’ll be more suited for music. Maybe I could sing?
TIMMY’S DAD
Ok my son. If music… is your thing.
REALITY MAN
That’s the spirit, Timmy’s dad.
Way to be… the wind beneath his wing.
Don’t worry, I went through the same thing with Reality Junior.
In the long run… it’s for the best. Less of a sting.
Reality Man makes preparations to soar out of there. His work here is done. Timmy has learned early what Billy Beane from Moneyball fame wished he had. He should have taken that scholarship to Stanford.
TIMMY’S DAD
Wait. I wanted to thank you somehow before you go.
REALITY MAN
Don’t mention it, Timmy’s dad. I’m just doing my job.
TIMMY
Ah, shucks. Do you really have to go, Mr. Reality?
REALITY MAN
Yes, little dude. You see, Jimmy… there are plenty of people out there in need of my help.
Too many “Billy Beanes” out there who should just study harder because they won’t be able to hit Major League pitching for crap.
EXT. NEARBY MOUNTAIN TOP – LATER
Reality Man is standing on a mountain in a “glory pose” with one leg up on a rock. His arms are folded, and the wind is blowing his cape. The image is breath-taking.
MARVEL ANNOUNCER GUY
In a world… where there are false hopes and ridiculous expectations placed on children… wherever talentless kids are forced into “activities” they suck at…
wherever there is someone who needs to be told how awful their singing is… wherever Katy Perry “drops” a new, wet stinky album… (yeah, not a fan) …
REALITY MAN
Reality… will be waiting there. Always!