Zen Beavers, A Story

Beavers are known for building dams, lodges, canals, and a whole lot of problems.

“Mo’ beaver… mo’ problems”, as the famous saying goes.

They are the second largest rodent in the world and most feared. Right after the creature in your mum’s pants, called “la capybara grande” in some countries. This legendary creature doesn’t know why… but it eventually must migrate… and leave her. If your mum were to tell you, how far this creature could heave her… no one in their right mind would even believe her. Off to the funny farm she’d go, and that’s where you would hope they could relieve her. But she would pull a “Bob Wiley” and proceed to fool the entire staff… forcing you to go retrieve her. She will pull a “fast one” on them, faster than a pitch from Tom Seaver. This story is just one of the many legends and myths surrounding the almighty zen beaver. What makes a zen beaver? Is it a state of mind? A cult of wood-chewing aquatic rodents. Or, if you’ll allow your imagination to believe… an array of politically charged, musically enhanced warriors. Protectors of peace and tranquillity in the lush forests of Emerald Lake.

Get your popcorn and Zagnut bars ready my friends. It’s a long-o tell-o. There’s even an ancient myth about the beavers’ ability to send the blueprints of life through the use of meteors. But the purpose of these meteors is not yet revealed, or so the story goes.

 Another legend still, tells of an explosive incident in space and the creation of a powerful half-breed known as the Ceaver. Anyway, that’s it for the rhymes for this animal. That’s why Marvel’s mighty Beaverine must be employed – to solve crimes… and catch guys like Hannibal the Cannibal. It’s just as well. All beavers eventually die and go straight to hell. Where they are reborn in the underground sewers. Rising up through our wishing wells. Devouring children like Baby Bells. That’s a cheese, by the way. One that has no smell.

 Zen Beavers maintain and defend territories, as Bill Smith found out on that fateful day. By the time you see the beaver coming for you… it is probably too late. All you can do is pray at that point. Hope that, like most life forms on the planet, the beaver finds you unpalatable… inedible… and generally disgusting. Otherwise… you’re toast, my friend.

Speaking of toast… beavers are hunted for their testicles and castoreum, a bitter tasting secretion used as a spread for “morning loaf” and now a staple part of The Traditional English Breakfast. Probably the most appetizing part, to be fair.

Beavers. They’re not just for breakfast anymore.

They may, in fact, play a vital role in the future and fate of mankind.

There’s something for you to chew on, huh?

For the tale of the ceavers, and their infamous march on Gotham City, NY, is really more of a WARNING… of what can happen when to a species when it goes too far in the wrong direction. When a genus group gets as lost as humans are currently… well, let’s just say there are always certain karmic repercussions. The ceavers never intended on attacking mankind. But then, who could have predicted what absolute intergalactic buttholes most “people” turn out to be. The ceavers had more than enough. Time to assemble. Time for revenge… coming straight outta the darkest nether regions of the galaxy. The kind of places your mama doesn’t want to talk about over supper. The kind of places where you’ll find all kinds of scary new creatures and weird cross breeds. The kind of places where one might find… Cow Beavers… from space! A species otherwise known (and feared) throughout the galaxy as the mighty breed of…

Ceavers, a poem about cross breeds 

ceavers are a very strong breed.

ceavers smoke very strong weed.

They all hate the band called Creed.

Creed makes a ceaver’s eardrums bleed.

In the Garden of Love, ceavers got what you need…

They gots the magic seed.

Oh, they’re coming, alright.

This is a warning that thou must heed. The ceavers are coming. I repeat:

The ceavers are coming. And they want… what we need.

 ***

What is a ceaver? Where do they come from? What do they want with us?

All good questions, my friend. But you still haven’t asked the most important query of them all. That question deals with, why they are so bloody pissed at us… that they feel the need to begin an invasion on all humankind? But this story isn’t really about us, and how we’ve let the rest of the galaxy down. The universe doesn’t revolve around us. Not like we think it does, anyway.

So begins an ongoing intermittent parody. The kind that, like queefs, will never fully go away…

This is a story about Ceavers. So mysterious, people use “Caps” sometimes in their name.

A hybrid breed of the last two animals we examined more deeply. No, not ducks or your mother this time. I’m speaking about “cows” and “beavers” … and how they were joined together by an accident deep in space. Ceavers are a direct result of human generated climate change on Earth. Greta Thunberg is their greatest ally here on Earth as she is the only one with enough balls, apparently, to fight climate change with action. She may be the smartest person on this rock. She’s Swedish… oh and like eleven years old. Is she the real Last Jedi?

So, here’s a little story for y’ass…

Part I: “The Secret Mission”

Back in the late sixties, after our failure to reach the moon (along with the Russians), our space program set its sights on a different type of project. One designed to “test” out other planets to see if they could become a viable solution, a new home, for the day when boy bands and pollution started to decay the very core of our own home planet Earth.

Somehow… they foresaw the terrible future headed our way. Even though Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, and The Beatles were ruling the airwaves at the time… they could see the garbage coming on the horizon. Also, they predicted a rising problem with actual trash and pollution. They had no idea that the world would be assaulted by the Biebers… the Pitbulls… the Keshas… and Katy Perry’s of the world. They just knew that something wicked and evil this way came.

The very evil that would come to an apex in the form a vicious and hate-filled ruler called “Queen Bey.” An overrated and classless whore… the likes of which the galaxy had never seen before. She would go on to use the powers hidden in her ass… to gain control of the airwaves and force all of us mere mortals to “bow down bitches!” It was a dark and ugly period in history. One that the Ceavers were watching. They were not impressed, for they too had caught Beyonce’s absolute butchering of the national anthem. Many Ceavers died that day. Suicide. When a “space cow beaver” would rather take his own life than be forced to be subjected to one more day of the entire media sucking the evil queen’s prolapsed rectum? Truly these are troubling times. Prolapsed rectums are no joke. Like a sarlacc pit, they are nefarious beasts.

The Ceavers have had enough! They made immediate plans for invasion so that they could chew on all our faces with their giant front teeth. Then… by turning the humans into manure, or at least speeding up the process we have begun ourselves, they would graze upon us – wiping us off of the face of the Earth. The same one we had almost destroyed with ignorance.

But we still haven’t talked about how they came to be. What went wrong on our space program’s mission in the first place?

In 1967, a program secretly named “Noah’s Arc” was put into action by NASA. This program isn’t something you would have heard about. It was just one of the many things that NASA would hide from us in the years to come. [cough cough aliens cough cough out there cough]

“Noah’s Arc” was a giant spaceship that NASA filled with different animal species, including many of the same ones we’re talking about here in this revealing book. I don’t know why I’m still pitching it – if you’re reading this… I can only assume that you already bought the fucker… but anyway. Back to our story. So, they gathered up all the wild animals, your mum included, and sent the “Arc” off… deep into space. Space is so big. More than most places even.

The ship was originally headed for Tau Ceti, a fully habitable planet where the animals were to breed and live out their days in peace. Out of range and free from the rule of the evil “Queen Bey”. Free from the suicidal effects of boy bands and all of the douche bags like Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein’s penis, and that “cash me outside” skank. Paradise. It was a reality that was going to be theirs to find. They were to live a joyful life. Filled with playing acoustic jazz music and smoking Tau Ceti’s infamous “green leaf” hydroponically grown super bud. They would be spared from torture, like the Marvel “meat factory” and horrible remakes that absolutely plague Hollywood and our society.

If one more person tries to bust a ghost… I swear to god.

Part II: “The Accident”

“Noah’s Arc” was going swimmingly, much like White Goodman’s acquisition of Average Joe’s Gymnasium (seen the film a few times… have I) … all was going according to plan. The ship was on its way to Tau Ceti. The animals were getting along great, better than humans ever did, in fact. They were listening to Sade as part of the plan and smoking whatever bud they had smuggled on board. A technique that I wish I could share with you, but then I can’t have a million mafuckers doing it and ruining it for yours truly. Yes, I am aware that I just predicted Big Sales for this book by saying that. Why not? This is the funniest fucking book ever written after all. I’m not just pulling a Kanye, either. It’s alright. Admit it – you have laughed aloud more than once reading this journal of psychotic thoughts. You love how un “PC” it is, admit it, homeykin.

 “Pulling a Kanye”, in case you were wondering, is an ancient practice that goes back to the Egyptians. This practice, held every year, was when the biggest fucking douche sac in the land would be removed from assaulting other harmless Egyptians with their shitty fashion designs and equally crappy auto tuned “music”. To everyone’s exuberance and celebration, the “sac” would be silenced. Mummified from head to toe… and buried deep within the chasms of a pyramid, so that nobody would be forced to listen to them ever again. And there was much rejoicing, as the people did hate him so. More than most people even.

Anyway, the Sade and weed were both working their magic. The animals were all “in the mood” and ready to fuuuuuck… upon arrival at Tau Ceti as planned, when something suddenly went wrong. Seismic charges from Earth, caused by humans’ destructive patterns to the atmosphere, sent the “Noah’s Arc” vessel off its original course. It was more than just a total “buzz kill” and vibe destroyer. There was a real danger here. The animals knew it. Knew it all too well. But many of them had passed out from eating too much Domino’s Pizza (so… any of it, in other words) brought on by a nasty case of the munchies. Don’t ask me how Dominos’ delivered to outer space, fuck nose. I’m just trying to tell a story ova here. Anyway, two of the species (the ones lucky enough to have not eaten Domino’s Pizza. Which describes anyone who has avoided this cardboard tasting crap disguised as “pizza” can similarly boast) were able to escape. They ran as the “Noah’s Arc” ship careened out of control, like Darth Vader’s tie fighter at the end of the original Star Wars. The beavers were able to gnaw through the metal cages and free themselves. They were now faced with a choice, as they realized they only had time to save one other species. Instinctively knowing that they would need to mate with something… they decided to free the most attractive and calm animal they could think of. They skipped over the monkees, still angry at them for ripping off the beatles. They passed on the cage filled with duck, predicting that they would go on to form an annoying boy band… knowing their luck. They skipped right past your mum… they may be beavers… but they’re not that dumb.

The beavers ultimately chose to free the almighty cow. For reasons that only the beavers could explain somehow. Maybe they liked the cow’s pacifist nature… being fellow students and followers of the principals found in The Tao? It doesn’t really matter why they chose them, for that is not important right now. What matters is everything that happened next. The beavers freed the cows and they all crammed into an escape pod and jettisoned it. It wasn’t an easy trip. Unlike your mother, it was a little tight in there you could say. Also, they had no idea where the pod was headed to. They put their faith in The Force and headed for Tatooine. Shit. That’s Star Wars again isn’t it? Dammit! I keep doing that, and Disney is definitely going to sue my white ass when this thing sells two million copies. Rising, the projected numbers, are.

So… allow me to regroup. That space pod was headed for some other place. They ended up landing on Planet Nine. They were safe, the cows and the beavers, but now they had a new problem: where the fuck was this “Obi Wan Ginobili” character that they were supposed to find? What exactly is a “spur” anyway, they asked? So many questions, but they headed out anyway… hoping for some answers.

They had to start from the beginning, it would seem. Not in the middle of the story. Not in the fourth episode, or something like that. From scratch. Before they could even have sex or listen to Sade, they would need to find sustenance on this new planet that they were now forced to call “home”. It can get quite cold on Planet Nine. Worse than Buffalo even.

Part III: “Attack of The Ceavers”

Nobody really knows what had ever happened to the other animal crates. I suppose you’ll have to tune in next week to find out. But the two species that ended up stranded on “Nine” were going to have to learn to coexist. They did just that. They were able to use their powers of empathy to learn to accept the other’s beliefs – something religions back on Earth still haven’t made any fucking progress on in their entire fucking miserable history, somehow. It’s almost inexplicable. The only explanation can be that humans, and their divisive religions, are dumber than your average cow. They are stupider than your basic aquatic rodent. Now that’s some shit, huh? Ain’t that a motherfucker? No wonder The Ceavers want to chew us up and spit us out. Can you fucking blame them? Wow! We really suck… when you think about it like that. If one of the three million copies of this book that will be purchased is by a Ceaver, and they are reading this somehow: “report back to Star Killer base and tell them to fire upon us at will.” We don’t deserve to go on living I’m starting to realize. Maybe we are the real Ghostbusters sequel.

Anyway, the cows and beavers would eventually find some weed on “Nine”, though it was similar to the “garbage” I’ve found in London so far. They also found some primitive but still working Sade discs… and so therefore they began to fuuuuuck. They procreated hard. Harder than most people even. Go ahead and “insert” your own “ya mother” joke here. It’s an easy pitch to hit. It’s a nice reversal of roles too, as usually things are being inserted into your mother rather than the other way around. I have the “spread sheets” at home. Fascinating.

And so… the cows and beavers humped and humped like the wind, faster and more frequently than do Golden Retrievers. The result of which would be a powerful new race. They would create an army. One hell bent on getting revenge on the stupid race of humans that has caused them to be stranded on “Nine” in the first place. A certain type of human that was becoming synonymous with the destruction of the galaxy, known in some circles as “The Republicans” – a dirty and despicable group of Sith types that only care about themselves. They were known to think only inward. In some cases, even going so far as to be attracted to their own daughter. Gross. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

“You know… in some cultures… they only eat vomit”

White Goodman read about it… in a book. It was called “The Art of The Deal”, I believe. A stupid manifesto written by a “ghost writer” because Trump never learned to read or write himself. He is stupid beyond measure. “Bigly stupid”, you could say. You know what? Ceavers, attack! Fire!

This is a story about Ceavers. Oh yeah… we are going to finish this fucker. Ceavers are a hybrid race of space cow beavers who had the guts and the will to fight back against the evil Republic (-an party) in ways the “pussy Democrats” wouldn’t. For when the Republicans went low… the Ceavers would go even lower – often going straight for their tiny little ball sacs that are filled with evil instead of sperm. Then they would use their claws to rip apart their faces. Their stupid… yummy… surprisingly nutritious… conservative faces.

Oh… the Ceavers are coming my friend. Sooner than later, as a matter of fact. They are rightfully pissed off at us. They are, also as a matter of fact, coming… to eat all of our faces. Warned.